Open Mind, Strong Body, Beautiful Soul by Coco Dorsey

October 31, 2006 - Found the lump - 6:30 AM

Taking a shower, getting ready for work...busy day....halloween! can't wait for the afternoon and evening....the kids are so cute...drew is 10, lilly is 4, reece is 2....they are so excited about the upcoming activities of the day....i feel something as I am washing....something hard...like an almond in its shell....what the hell? I start to panic a little....it won't go away....definitely something not normal is inside of me....right next to my armpit...in my breast! You have to be kidding me! I got a little dizzy realizing what this could mean....i yelled as loudly as I could for keith....he doesn't respond....i jumped out of the shower dripping wet and ran into my bedroom where he was dressing reece for the day in his Halloween costume...Dracula to be exact....which was fitting as reece was quite the biter....keith felt what I knew was there and denied the possibility that both of us knew was awaiting us....on the other side of the mammogram that would eventually be scheduled for the following week...This has to be a dream, some sort of nightmare that will jar me from my sleep....right? I am a 33 year old busy, working mother of three....i attend pto meetings. I plan fall festivals and Christmas parties for my kids' classes, do recess duty every week, go on dates with my husband, take my mom to lunch and shopping, work with our family business and attend conventions all over the country, attend book club meetings, play at girls nights out...I don't have time for this crap! I am far too involved in way too many activities to be sick....i don't feel bad either....everything should be fine....right?

I called blake mcgowan, my best friend and family doctor, at lunch while I was waiting for my cheeseburger at Arkansas Burger Company....he told me he wouldn't feel it...he wouldn't touch it...I became angry with him...he told me to call his dad..that bob would help me....why in the hell won't blake help me?....i need him....i need him to tell me it is fine...it's just a small cyst....probably from drinking too much caffeine....after all, my mom has those....but no...he is avoiding me...and my "cyst"....urgh! I am terribly frustrated....but this was just the immediate emotion I had...come to find out later, blake didn't feel the spot in my left breast because he knew, if it was a tumor, he would not be able to play it off...he would scare me with his reaction....or lack of....blake knew by my explanation of what I had just felt this beautiful fall morning what it was.....or had a damn good idea of what it was....

I called dr. Harrison next....he was with a patient but quickly returned my phone call as he typically does....this is the response of a deeply caring and empathetic gynecologist...one whom I trusted to deliver all three of my children...and a man with great respect, responsibility and dedication to me...and all of his patients.....he could squeeze me in the next afternoon...a Wednesday....his afternoon off actually....whoooh! That makes me feel better....I knew dr. h would come up with a plan....a game plan of sorts...it was going to be ok...I still felt sick to my stomach, but much more at ease now...

I picked up the kids from school...they had a snack...got them dressed in their costumes and gear....We headed to my parents house to meet with all their friends and our family. I didn't mention any of the events of the morning to anyone....Ellen, dave and the boys, Tiffany, john and their kids met us to go trick or treating....still didn't mutter a word....walked up and down the streets watching the kiddos, drinking a cold bud light....and remained silent...god, this cannot happen to me....