Open Mind, Strong Body, Beautiful Soul by Coco Dorsey

November 16, 2006 - Excision of breast tissue - margins positive - diagnosed with breast cancer

I was scared and nervous....my surgery began at 9 am....arrived at st. vincent's at 7:30...I liked dr. lyons and felt great confidence in him. But this was only the 2nd time in my 33 years that I had been put asleep under general anesthesia and the first experience I had was just for some lousy wisdom teeth that needed extracting.....the only knowledge I had of knocking somebody out was from what I had seen on television and in movies....and that always looked terrifying to me....how they put you on that cold gurney and tear you, by yourself, away from your loved ones....wheel you away into a frigid, bright, sterile room with a bunch of complete strangers who are covered in paper, masks, gloves....ugh! it was just as I had imagined it too.....this was just the first operating room I was going to visit in the next year and a half...and I hated every second of it! And I think I forgot how bad it sucks to have an i.v.....can they not numb your hand before jabbing that needle into it?

I just thought being put to sleep was the agonizing part of this day....little did I know that when I woke up to dr. lyons at my toes, my life as I knew it was over! This part is a little foggy to me..still....but I'm pretty sure he told me that it was "an awful, ugly, terrible looking tumor" ....there it was....the truth...I had a malignant monster in my left breast....

My drowsy, senseless next thought was of my husband, my parents, my family and my friends that were waiting in the room next door....oh god...they didn't know yet....they didn't know I had cancer....my next initial thought went to my children...how in the hell do I tell my kids that I have cancer...drew would understand....she was 10 years old....she knows what cancer is....lilly and reece are too young....they won't "get" it...thank god for something...somebody else would have to tell her....how do I look at keith? My mom? Oh damn, and what do I say to my father? How does daddy's little girl tell the first love of her life that she has cancer? Oh ...the panic and anxiety was immense....none of this came easy....and never would be....The following few hours has been erased in my memory. But that next night, while resting at home in my bed surrounded by my parents and other family and friends, was the next transition in cancer diagnosis....the moment of true, definitive, positive results from the pathologist....presented to me by none other than my nslp (non sexual life partner), dr. blake mcgowan. The anguish was written all over his face....and the tremor in his sweet, gentle hands as they embraced mine...he had to be the bearer of the news...to me, of all people...blake told of the trying future I was going to face.

As he completed going through the pathology report, my cell phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize at the time....but would eventually end up on my speed dial....it was the call of my soon-to-be martyr of sorts, most commonly referred to as an oncologist...my oncologist, dr. brad baltz. Blake had taken the liberty of calling brad, his friend and colleague, and informing him of my pathology results....my "case". Dr. Baltz had me scheduled for a full set of scans the very next morning....I was to be at his office at 7:30 am for an i.v. and directions to the scanning site....

I have cancer....and everything is happening so quickly! This was the first time in the past 24 hours that I realized that this disease could have metastasized....the cancer could have spread....the next 24 hours would end up being the most tedious, trying, emotional, frightening hours of my life....for me and my family.....Somebody in the room gave me a valium and put me to sleep.